How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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