you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
