that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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