i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
