My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
