i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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