she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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