There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
3pm strippers are depressing
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize