remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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