Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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