so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize