new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
