Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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