Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
