I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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