What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
