A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
