If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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