the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
