i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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