i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
