First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
