She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
