my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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