I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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