we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
