Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
