Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Randomize
