i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
