All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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