It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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