im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
