You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The Olympian is in my bed
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
