I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
