I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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