Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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