She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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