we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
