Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
