I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
