iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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