sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
