you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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