can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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