You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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