I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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