from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
