my phone needs a breathalizer
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
