I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
