Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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