I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
