Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
