Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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