Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize