She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
