Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
