Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
