she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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