$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
