did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
