last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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