____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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