My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
